Please Hear What I'm
04:04 May 11 2010
Times Read: 630
Dont be fooled by me.
For I wear a mask, I wear a thousand masks,
masks that I'm afraid to take off, and none of them are mine.
Pretending is an art that's second nature with me,
but dont be fooled, for God's sake, dont be fooled.
I give you the impression that I'm secure, that all is sunny and coolness my game,
that the water's calm and I'm in command, and that I need no one.
But dont believe me, please dont.
My surface may seem smooth,
but my surface is my mask, my ever varying and ever concealing mask.
Beaneath lies no smugness, no complacence.
Beneath dwells the real me, in confusion, in fear, in aloneness.
But I hide this; I dont want anybody to know it.
I panic at the thought of my weakness and I fear being exposed.
That's why I frantically create a mask to hide behind; a nonchalant, sophisticated facade,to help me pretend, to shield me from your glance-a glance that knows.
But such a glance is precisely my salvation. My only salvation.
And I know it...provided that the glance is followed by acceptance,
and then followed by love.
It's the only thing that will assure me of what I cant assure myself,
that I'm really worth something.
But I dont tell you this. I dont dare, I'm afraid to.
I'm afraid you will think less of me, that you'll laugh, and your laugh would kill me.
I'm afraid that deep down you will see this and reject me.
So I play my game, my desperate pretending game.
With a facade of assurance on the outside, and a trembling child within.
And so begins the parade of masks, the glittering but empty parade of masks.
And my life becomes a front.
I idly chatter to you in the suave tones of surface talk.
I tell you everything which is really nothing, and nothing of that which is everything,
of that which is crying within me.
so when I'm going through my routine, do not be fooled by what I'm saying.
Please listen carefully and try to hear what I'm NOT saying,
what I'd like to be able to say, what, for survival I need to say, but I cant say.
I dislike hiding. Honestly I do.
I dislike playing the superficial game I'm playing, the superficial phony game.
I'd really like to be genuine and spontaneous, and me, but you've got to help me.
Help me!!!
you've got to hold out your hand, even when that's the last thing I seem to want or need.
Only you can wipe away from my eyes the blank stare of the breathing dead.
Each time you're kind and gentle and encouraging,
each time you try to understand because you really care,
my heart begins to grow wings, very small wings, very feeble, wings, but wings.
With your sensitivity, sympathy, and your power of understanding,
you can breathe life into me, I want you to know that.
I want you to know how important you are to me,
how you can be a creator of the person that is me, if you choose to.
Please choose to.
You alone can break down the wall behind which I tremble...
Writtin by: Amber Voetberg(my daughter)
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